Years of struggles. Heartbreaks. Bad decisions like thunderstorms chased by lightning, echoed over and over again in my life. Sick and tired of hitting my head against walls, one day I asked why? Why won’t it stop? Why can’t I just be done? Why must I continue in this world with so much pain? There was no answer. So I asked, what? What do You want? What do You want from me? I was asking God this, but I heard nothing…nothing…and nothing for months. I gave up. I was done physically, emotionally, and mentally. I was done.
I walked around in a semiconscious state for months. I remember seeing the puzzled looks being passed between colleagues, friends, and family. On one occasion, I actually heard my brother asking his niece (my daughter) what was wrong with me. I heard and saw them but did not react. Then, one day in July while playing a silly game on my phone and actually trying to figure out ways to cheat at it, I heard “I am Holy! I called you to holiness! I called you to be set apart!”
I heard this in my body. I heard it, or as close to it as I’m able to put in human words, in my spirit. It reverberated in every cell of my soul. I cannot explain it any further…not really…and I do not think I have to. What I can explain is this: in that single instance I felt the convergence of my first experience with The Holy Spirit at 12 years old (when I was baptized with the evidence of speaking in tongues) and this call to a position in the kingdom of Jehovah God, for which I am still in training.
It is an ongoing process! One that requires a stripping away of so many different things, people, places, mindsets, behaviors, etc. that, if I were to list them, this would be much too long. Now, I’d like to brag and say that I’ve been holding on, or walking the path, or all of those things we say to sound super saved (and super spiritual) but the truth is; all I did was respond. I immediately deleted the game, I repented, and waited for “next step”.
Today, I continue to train and learn to follow. Yes, I fail and recover but then, I begin again. I do so with great fear and trembling. My prayer each day is that Jehovah God be magnified by, in, through, over, under, and around all that I was, all that I am, and all that I will be. In Jesus Name and by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Quick question, have you responded to your call?