During reunions and other family gatherings my aunties often tell about the first time they heard me sing. It is always filled with lots of laughter and love because I was a few months old at the time! My sister-aunt (called that because we’re only seven years apart in age) tells how she was sent to my mother’s room for something and found me humming in my crib. In her excitement, she joined me but apparently I did not approve because I removed my pacifier and quipped, “you don’t know it”. We’ve never really gotten to the end of this telling because we’re usually all laughing so hard that the ending goes untold. I particularly love that piece of my history because it resonates strongly to me that my love for music began so early. My mom sometimes says that I was singing in utero! Again, another confirmation.
Music are I have had a tumultuous relationship. As a child I just knew that I would do music and nothing else… I just knew it! But, life took me a different way. I remember the moment I realized that, if I was to meet my responsibilities, I had to delay or possibly forfeit my dreams completely. I remember the piercing blow to my heart as if it was yesterday! For what seemed like days (it was more like hours) I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t think, speak, eat, or sleep. I mourned music like I had lost a parent or sibling. But I knew that I had to put it aside and think of my children. Oh, I still sang in church and at community events, I still wrote and recorded the melodies I would hear in my spirit but, to me, my dream of being a musician was not just put on a back burner; it was sealed in a container of adulthood and self sacrifice and shoved to the back of the freezer!
I spent the next twenty years or there about coping and surviving. That is all I did!!! I went to school, was blessed with good jobs and the work ethics that facilitated promotions and career advancements. I still wrote and recorded periodically but, my fire for music laid dormant. The decision to leave music has been intertwined at the root of so much sorrow, heartache, and depression that I am still surprised that it took me so long to make the connection. I felt that something was missing, over the years, but I refused to think of music. So, I filled in the blank with everything but it. What did I fill it with? That’s a story for another day. Today, I am overjoyed because, a few months ago and by the leading of The Holy Spirit, I began to dig my buried treasure out of its frozen tomb. It is a process and I have learned that everything valuable in life can only be obtained and mastered through process. It is scary but exciting: exciting because I have been getting glimpses of my true self and scary because I’ve getting glimpses of my true self! :). It is like free falling with no security net; both exhilarating and terrifying! My saving grace is that I know and am building a personal relationship with Jehovah God, my maker. I know that He is not only with me but for me!